It is Day 14,883. I haven’t written much here in the past couple of months due to sickness, and also some depression as a result of being sick. Sikki says I’m negative and I’m sure she’s right. I think I am finally starting to feel some of the positive effects of the Xolair injections, though I still have difficulty breathing. The most uncomfortable thing physically (besides the necessity of breathing) is the weight I’ve gained. You can’t go from being mostly physical to totally sedentary while eating similarly to before and think you’re going to be fine, because you just ain’t, Elvis.
After almost ten years, my employment with Pepsi ended when I reached the 26-week mark of being out of work on account of disability.
It’s a strange feeling. I hated working there the entire time, in all four positions I held. Beck was asking me about it last night, why I never got a different job. She remembered my always coming home looking wasted and blank. But even though I loathed it, I also knew it completely. There’s comfort in knowing the ins-and-outs of any job, especially a niche market like the beverage industry. Experience means you know the shortcuts, the best approaches, the way the bull crap smells and feels. Although you might stress out because you know how awful it is, you don’t have the shakes or surprise that come in doing something new. You’ve already seen and done it all: worse, worst and worstest.
The pulmonologist told me to file for long-term disability, which I’ve done. If approved, that could mean some small income until I’m completely back on my feet and ready to return to productive work. If not approved, I will have to return to some kind of gainful employment even if I’m still sick.
In spite of dealing with some pretty heavy emotions, I’m trying to keep my eyes and ears open to the plan and presence of God. There is much I don’t understand, but I am comforted in the certainty of His knowledge. One part of my life is over. It’s bittersweet, the transition. But I am looking for whatever God brought me to Brunswick County North Carolina to do, and to become.
Here’s a video I made yesterday morning. The wind created some audio problems at the beginning so I’ll probably never do a video with my phone again unless it’s totally calm, which is hardly ever because the wind blows like mad off the ocean.