Deep inner longings to know.

Thursday, 10 AM. We went to the church last night. The kids go to their youth function nearly every Wednesday evening. I went to the sanctuary where several adults had met to pray. Got myself prayed for while sitting in the center of a circle of faithful elders, as the recent news from the medical community has not been helpful. It was good to get out of the house last night and pray with other believers.

Sister Judy in particular prayed for Sikki and our marriage and family. She hears from God. My wife and I need prayer for our marriage because something is slipping away. I have been lying awake at night wondering if our marriage is strong enough for me to endure a long sickness. My parents’ marriage finally crumbled when my father became ill and wasn’t able to work.

My thoughts go back to childhood memories of peering into my maternal grandparents’ bedroom: I looked in and saw two single beds. My parents slept together…I assumed everyone’s parents slept together. But now I remember the musty, enclosed room in that old house and wonder how marriage can be reduced from a passionate relationship marked by bonds of ecstatic heat and wetness and deep inner longings to know, to a frigid socioeconomic contract. Their bedroom testified to the striking of what must have been a long settlement, a cold bargain to survive dashed hopes in a time when people didn’t talk about such things and stayed together for the kids.

To some degree Sikki and I deal with these feelings. Maybe all married people do at some point. Even a queen-sized bed is large enough for both parties to remain untouched and unfelt. But there is a natural ebb and flow to all relationships.

When Paul spoke about the relationship of Christ to the Church, he used marriage as the picture, the pivotal relationship God created in the beginning that would find culmination and full outworking through the work of Christ into eternity. Today marriage is held in dishonor by Western culture and many in the Church, but the plan of God will not be shaken.

The Prednisone pushes sleep out and away from my body. I dozed for three hours, then was awake from 2-6 AM. I watched videos and read the news and a couple chapters from The Idiot. Felt very dizzy and blurry eyed. Then I went back to bed, sleeping badly again until 9. I did some reading about Xolair, the drug the allergist and pulmonologist have discussed with me. If that stuff doesn’t work, I’ll be in a pickle. But if it does work, it doesn’t look like a medication I’d be able to stay on for too long because of its expense and side effects.

What if science and medicine fail? Sikki is talking about “getting me well,” referring to medical initiatives, but what if there is no getting well apart from the intervention and good hand of God? I want to be faithful to God and bring Him glory regardless of the circumstances. He knows everything the doctors don’t: He sees the past, present and finished product. The little loaves and fishes of my existence are in His care. I won’t be afraid.

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Author: Steve Hobbs

I live and write near the beaches of Brunswick County, NC. I entered this fallen reality in 1975. My wife Sikki and I were married in 1997. We have five children. I am a follower of Jesus and a seeker of truth.

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