Awoke at 4:47 this morning when Sikki got up to let the puppy out. The puppy has been sleeping in his crate at the foot of our bed, and he usually whines to go outside in the early morning.
Early morning. Having been out of work for two and a half weeks I can go back to calling 4:47 “early morning.” I typically wake up just before four o’clock on weekday mornings. I am slow to wakefulness and have to allow time to drink coffee, read, shower and all that.
My supervisor texted this morning at 6:30 and just tried to call me around 8:30 to discuss work stuff. I find this highly irritating since I am out of work on sick leave and was in the middle of a breathing treatment when he phoned. It has become normal in America for people to be available to their jobs 24/7 but I resist this as much as I can.
I spent much of yesterday in prayer, particularly the early part of the day. I want God’s best for me, whatever that means in practical outworking: where I live, where I fellowship, where I work, study, pray, and who and what I am surrounded by in these pursuits. For me it is all the pursuit of God. Even if it means working for this wicked company for another ten years.
But because I am a servant and son I am also asking Him, frankly, to get me back into the service of people, into a vocation that matters. It is vexing to the soul to be chasing dollars, lying, trying to move profits on products I don’t believe in. My job not only lacks meaning but is also contrary to my faithful worldview. In no way does it represent my identity; on the contrary, I am ashamed of it. For ten years I have struggled to know how to function in a corrupt system when I am not a “company man” and don’t buy into any of the rhetoric. For ten years, in various roles, I have seen that this system simply wants to use people until there is nothing left to be wrung out of them, until they are totally burned out and give up.
I worked for about an hour in the yard yesterday, cleaning up the big branches that fell during the record-breaking rain several weeks ago. Again, I was winded very quickly and laid down the whole rest of the day almost. I will close to do something useful with the rest of this day, day # 14,710 I have sojourned in Babylon since the Sunday I came into this atmosphere.
Father I will drink the cup you give to me, because I know you have my best in mind and I want to give you glory. I want your will to be done in this heart’s earth, as it is in heaven. But I also ask that you would remember me and behold the struggle, the long agony. See the focus of my heart and where my affections lie. I am not after dishonest gain. I do not love money. If there be a more excellent way, lead me to it. I don’t even know where to look.
Turn away my eyes from looking at vanity,
And revive me in Your ways.
Establish Your word to Your servant,
As that which produces reverence for You.
Turn away my reproach which I dread,
For Your ordinances are good.
Behold, I long for Your precepts;
Revive me through Your righteousness.