This is the Last Time

I slept poorly last night and had to get up earlier than usual to go to Wilmington. I had sexual dreams about someone. Sikki has been sick and we haven’t made love in quite a while. I have dreams and wandering thoughts when we don’t have sex regularly.

I’m not sure whether I’ve been depressed or what, but I haven’t had much of a sex drive lately. It might have something to do with some weight I’ve gained since I became hampered in my breathing a couple years ago. I don’t feel too sexy when I gain weight or don’t exercise regularly. When we were moving to NC, I had to go see a pulmonologist because an allergist told me I had a strange growth in my lung. We moved to NC under a cloud of uncertainty about my health, our finances, my job situation, and of course wondering what the plan of God was. The pulmonologist treated me with Prednisone and took two CT scans, which showed that whatever was in my lungs shrunk. He told me to go back to the allergist thinking my breathing difficulties must be a reaction to something. That was almost two years ago and I haven’t followed up.

I won a video camera in a sales incentive at work. Yesterday and today I’ve been thinking about maybe opening a YouTube channel where I could post my reflections on life and the scriptures. It helps me to avoid temptation when I am focused on the kingdom of God, and specifically on what God wants me to do. God has said he wants me “in the harness,” so I am trying to be obedient to that word and seek opportunities for my gifts to be expressed.

I was thinking today about how many people have spoken into my life — the specific people who were obedient to the Lord and inspired faith and hope in me. I want to be like that: someone who points people to God, helps them along, eases their journey.


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