It is Saturday morning. Thankfully I’m off on weekends and don’t have to venture into the wasteland today.
Yesterday in the wilderness I spent two and half hours building an NFL display in a store. I took pictures of it and sent them to my boss with the message, “By Monday this display will be destroyed,” meaning the customers in the store will have picked it apart. I am often asked to perform tasks at my job which are very time-consuming but don’t avail any discernible profit.
But there are things I like about my job. I like that I am always on the move. I wouldn’t like being stuck in an office all day, or in the same store. I’ve worked retail before, but I get bored with being in the same place for too long. I like that I am basically on my own. It’s pretty rare for my supervisor to say much about my job or come to visit my market. And except for a few brief exchanges with store managers and employees, I don’t have to talk much with people. Of course I also like that I report from home. When I did sales before, I had to ride from Millsboro, DE to Salisbury, MD to get my handheld and car, then ride up to Easton and St. Michael’s to perform my duties. I drove about three and a half hours a day. Reporting from home is much better.
So I guess you have to eat the seeds and spit the shells. Overall I am much happier here in NC doing what I do, than I was in Delmarva doing what I did there.
I notice that I said I appreciate not interacting with people too much. Last night I got home and Jessica had some friends here and I just laid in bed in the darkness. I had a headache, but I also preferred not to interact with anyone after working all day and being sleep-deprived, which I always am. We went out to dinner with a couple from church last Tuesday night, their treat: I had steak and crabcake. We went back to their place and chatted and prayed for about a half hour and I was STILL drained by the experience. I find myself odd, but I didn’t choose to be this way; I wouldn’t have made myself this way if it were my decision. I just prefer to be quiet mostly. Most of my existence is lived between my ears. I am a contemplative person. The knowledge that I am always in danger of falling into sin makes me want to pray and confess my neediness, my poverty. I like solitude so I can try to hear God, so I can think. I long to hear the voice and direction of God at all times, in all moments, whether I am working, reading, listening to music, running, making love, sleeping. I’ve met Christians who are bubbly and talkative and want to be with people all the time and I always wonder how they ever have time to listen for God.
I used to think I could somehow summon the power to change my personality so that I would be more sociable and outgoing. But I gave up on that, or at least I placed it in the Lord’s hands. If He would change me, He could change me. I think in His creative diversity He might’ve just made some people to be like me: quiet and thoughtful, but still very passionate for Him and His people.
It is a beautiful sunny day today, Halloween. Martin Luther posted his ninety-five theses 498 years ago today. I slept and woke up with a headache. If it recedes I may work outside in the yard today.
From 1 Corinthians 7 (ESV):
Only let each person lead the life that the Lord has assigned to him, and to which God has called him. This is my rule in all the churches. Was anyone at the time of his call already circumcised? Let him not seek to remove the marks of circumcision. Was anyone at the time of his call uncircumcised? Let him not seek circumcision. For neither circumcision counts for anything nor uncircumcision, but keeping the commandments of God. Each one should remain in the condition in which he was called. Were you a bondservant when called? Do not be concerned about it. (But if you can gain your freedom, avail yourself of the opportunity.) For he who was called in the Lord as a bondservant is a freedman of the Lord. Likewise he who was free when called is a bondservant of Christ. You were bought with a price; do not become bondservants of men. So, brothers, in whatever condition each was called, there let him remain with God.