February 14, 2015, Saturday, 9:04 PM.
I haven’t been feeling well this weekend. Had a bout with diarrhea and upset stomach while Jess went to a Valentine’s dinner at the church last night, and today I’ve been sipping Pepto Bismol and watching MASH and music videos.
A few weeks ago a lady at church said she was praying for me — knowing I was to speak that morning — and heard the words, “faithful steward” as she was in prayer. She said I was a faithful steward of the Word of God. I’m not sure if it’s true right now, but it is certainly my heart’s desire. Throughout my life I have felt imbalanced and sick, and as I have observed in the churches I know that I am not alone.
I’ve been listening to a radio station called Old Paths Radio here in NC. It’s mostly a bunch of Baptist preachers, many of whom sound like they’ve been gargling gravel, they’ve shouted themselves so hoarse screaming salvation. But there isn’t really much teaching. There aren’t many teachers in the Body of Christ, people who actually talk about how we should live, about how the kingdom of God finds root and expression right now in this life.
I ride around in my work car and tell the Lord I’d like to be used and to bring me into His purpose. It’s in my heart — in germ form — to write a book to help people, to help Christians who, like me, are struggling. But a thing like that can never happen apart from His intervention because I lack discipline. A thing like that requires a commitment, a setting aside of daily time and effort to give something.
But first I have to receive.
Father I need to hear from You. The desire is there. The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak. The desire is not the same as doing. I don’t want to just do. I want to be a witness. But I also want to DO. Faith without works is dead. I feel sick and tired and empty because I am not disciplined enough to turn off the television at the end of the workday and on the weekend. The little foxes are spoiling the vine. I want to be a faithful steward.