Resisting Life

Monday morning, February 2nd, 2015. 5:20 AM.

I am making a quick post because this past week was strange and I feel as if I have “cooled off” spiritually. I spent a lot of time thinking about Firefly — wanting to go and peevish that I can’t — and disappointed with our sex life and just generally discontented. Watched a lot of television and didn’t pray or read the Word much. Ate a lot of sugary stuff. Now feeling empty, bored, tired.

I was thinking yesterday about an idea┬áJohn Wright Follette expressed in his work This Wonderful Venture Called Christian Living, about how we are always trying to do anything but live. Anytime I start thinking about where I’d rather be, or what I’d rather be doing, or how life would be better if this or that happened, I am resisting life. Resisting actual living in God’s timing and purpose in favor of an empty longing or fantasy. I am not finding comfort or closeness in the Kingdom of God, but in loving the things of the world which are always dissatisfying and ultimately doomed to destruction.

Father, it is time for me to learn the fear of the Lord. It’s been a long time. You’ve been patient and merciful. I need help. I need Your help so I can fulfill whatever You had in mind when you called Me. I need a Savior. I cannot save myself. I cannot make myself better or more worthy. Eternity now.