December 14, 2014, Sunday. 5:35 PM.
Time keeps moving forward, as do the plans of God Almighty. His Word does not return to Him void, without accomplishing the purpose for which He sent it.
Friday night I drank too much wine. I was feeling depressed about our financial situation. My paycheck was very low that day. (I expect them to stay pretty low until warm weather starts to return.) Necessities like food, shoes for work, routine maintenance on the vehicles, and the bills that keep rolling in have made me wonder how we will live. I’ve tried not to worry about these things but rather to pray for them, to cast my burden on the Lord and focus the strength of my heart on His pleasure and kingdom.
But still it seems hopeless, or at least that is what I was thinking. Even if you are in a place of good faith and doing your best to believe, there is still a nagging doubt that asks, What if this is folly? What if He doesn’t come through? What if I have only moved out on my own initiative?
On Saturday (yesterday) I felt physically ill – probably from overindulgence on Friday night. And I was beset with constant sexual temptation. The family went somewhere around 10 and I was left to myself. I did some reading and listened to Walter Beuttler while I folded my laundry, and then I prayed intensely and with great joy. I felt refreshed after praying but still felt ill and tempted.
Eventually, I fell, I failed, I gave in to the temptation and played the fool.
This morning I asked for His forgiveness and asked Him to renew my heart, then went to church. At church a couple folks handed me Christmas cards. When I got home I opened them in my room. Each of them had $500 enclosed. The Lord had worked out some provision for us long before I got busy feeling sorry for myself and indulging the flesh. I called Jessica into our room and showed her the gifts. She couldn’t speak but simply cried in my arms. We prayed together and thanked Him, asking Him to make us a blessing to Him and His people.
Father. You ARE a Father. Please forgive my doubt and failure to approach you with simplicity. I will speak of Your wonders, I will proclaim Your righteousness in the congregation. You have not rewarded us according to our sins. You amaze me! I will always love You.