September 7, 2014. Sunday. 6 P.M.
Here I am, 39 years old today. Was I having a midlife crisis (again) when I moved down here, or was I really trying to do the best thing for my family? There were very limited opportunities for work in Delmarva. Our spiritual situation was dry. So dry. There just didn’t seem to be any life in the churches we visited. It was dead in the church we attended for 15 years, most of our life. The pastor wasn’t decisive and the people didn’t care much for the Bible.
So here I am, at age 39 facing a foreclosure on the house up there that won’t sell, credit ruined, a wife that calls me sobbing because we can’t pay our bills. I wonder how we will get food, how I will pay for my necessary medicines. Her work will dry up soon. I didn’t want to have ruined finances again, just when we were getting out from under our old debts. I’m feeling stuck again, God. Crushed under the burdens that wouldn’t have come about if I wasn’t trying so hard to find a better situation and lead my family the way I’m supposed to – if I wasn’t trying to follow your leading.
What am I supposed to tell her, God, when she calls me crying? This life isn’t my idea. I don’t care about the money. I’m not motivated by money. But it’s a necessity in this wicked world. We don’t need oodles and oodles, we just need enough to pay our debts and bills. She needs to buy school books for the kids. What should I say to her? Why are we meeting failure if you are in this thing?
I don’t even know if this is some letdown of mine. Have I let you down? It seems like you had the power to close the door at any time in the process when we began exploring this area. You are the one who led us to this particular place, to this particular church. It’s a beautiful place. Unspoiled. I felt like I was escaping bondage.
But now like the children of Israel I look up to you for some manna of heaven. My eyes are toward you like Elijah’s by the brook Cherith.
I need your direction, your word. I need your word more than my necessary food. I need to know that you care and that you know what’s going on. Remember what you promised on the mountain. You told us not to worry.
Was Jacob on the right track when he prayed, “If you bless me, I will give you a tenth?”
“It is time for the Lord to act, For they have broken Your law.”
Torrey killed himself this week. In a way I understand his decision; I get how it makes every bit of sense apart from you, almighty creator and possessor of everything. I have been thinking of my own death here lately because of despair.
Help me. O my God help me. I would have despaired unless I believed I would see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.
Music: Iona, Prayer on the Mountain