September 1, 2014. Monday. 4:45 AM.
I am looking to you to show me the way. I don’t understand what’s happening. I don’t understand the plan here, or how I fit into it. I feel like the doubleminded man, tossed about by the waves. I feel like the man who ought not to think he shall receive anything from the Lord. I feel hopeless, oh my God.
You see the threats, the letters. You know the consequences. You know how it will affect the next generation. Have I served mammon, that I must be brought to ruin? Have I loved the world?
If your word to me is that my heart has not been true, I know this. I know I have lived in that ebb and flow I was telling Jerry about yesterday. I long for consistent fellowship. But why do you make this a thing so hard to be grasped?
How much of my heart really belongs to you? I wanted it to be all, all of my being. But I feel like it is less than one percent.
Yet my thoughts are on you all the day long. I yearn for you in the depths, in the darkness of this world and of my soul I look to the hills, the high and sun-struck mountain, for help. I trust in your word. I trust in your unfailing love. I trust that you set this thing in motion and that you will lift me out of the slime pit and set me on stable ground. I trust that what you have started you will complete.
Sustain me today. Make me come alive.