Monday, July 28th, 2014. 5:11 P.M.
Bills piling up, trouble at work for the past couple of weeks, threatening hostile dogs surround me. The brakes went out on the Suburban while I was driving with Ryan this weekend, my accounts are being pushed to collection agencies, the house in Laurel still hasn’t sold, good credit ruined, haven’t been to the beach in ages, wife’s mad at me for buying beer. I’m so discouraged. Angry. Sad.
I went to bed last night at 9 P.M. Woke up at 11:30 thinking it was morning. Got up to get some water and tossed and turned the rest of the night. Had some happy dreams about holding Jessica on a leisurely morning, connected, nowhere to go and in no rush to leave. Awoke to reality, knowing she would live well without me and might be better off if I was gone. I think she says she loves me out of an old sense of duty: the same reason she makes my lunch for work. Simple economics. She is going to Zumba with Rebekah rather than talk to me. Our kids are her life. When they are gone, she will leave too.
Went to Wilmington this morning and met with the two managers there. One of them is new and therefore not a complete idiot: the other threatened me and heard not one word I was saying. Only a matter of time before the other gets callouses on his soul and eardrums. It doesn’t matter. I have tried my best, my very best. If I lose my job, I gave it my best.
Today a pickup began to swerve into my lane and I thought for a second that I should let him hit me. I would die or be crippled.
I am alone. I am always alone. Life for everyone I love goes on in my absence. I am not even missed.
Would I wrestle with God if I was Jacob?
Why do I have no joy? What could He want? Is my personal anguish and destitution His glory?